


"What Else?" (Alternate Version)

by amandasarmada



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 03:56:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2453822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandasarmada/pseuds/amandasarmada
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermath of "Institutional Memory" - C.J./Danny.  (Original, streamlined version)</p>
            </blockquote>





	"What Else?" (Alternate Version)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction in many, many years. I wrote religiously (and awfully) when I was about 14, and this is my attempt to show that I've gotten better. I'm cringing. I hope you like it, please be kind, feedback is always appreciated. xoxo
> 
> ETA: So, you might notice that this is very similar to another story of mine, the one that starts off my “What Else” series. The story below is my first draft of that story - I did end up rewriting it (dramatically expanding it and playing with the language), which is the version my other story contains. Personally, I do feel like that revised version is more organic and fits better with how I imagine the final scene from “Institutional Memory” playing out, but at the same time, I realize this (original) version is a lot more streamlined and easy to digest. More importantly, since this is the version that gained the most traction among you guys and actually earned all those amazing kudos, I thought I should keep it up in case people prefer this version and want to be able to access it. If this breaks the rules though sorry I'm trash. D:

 

“ _Incrementalism is not an option. I'm forced into a heroic posture.”_

**Tuesday, January 9th, 2007**

C.J. stared at the door to Danny Concannon's apartment.

It was a moment for brave gestures.

Over the past 8 years especially, C.J. Cregg had become a connoisseur at faking bravery. She was bold and strong and when someone threw something at her, she caught it deftly and hurled it right back at them. That was who she'd become.

C.J. would have thought she'd feel steadier, flanked by multiple Secret Service agents and armed with the ability to make grown men cry, but mostly she just felt anxious and embarrassed and ashamed. Which was stupid, of course, because she was _brave_ goddamnit, and Danny was a puppy who gazed at her adoringly and wanted to jump off a cliff with her – but it was also emphatically _not_ stupid, because her prancing around trying to be the Tough Unshakable C.J. Cregg, the one always calling the shots, had backfired phenomenally, and she wouldn't really blame him for closing the door on her.

With this thought hanging over her, C.J. felt the tears start to form, and she hugged her arms even closer, emotionally exhausted by the day's events. She was terrified, and she was tired, and all she wanted was to fix this.

She really had no idea how in the hell she was going to fix this.

A wave of nausea ran over her, as she shifted her weight from foot to foot.

She didn't have any idea what Danny was going to say (hell, she didn't even know what exactly _she_ was going to say) and she was preparing herself for the worst. Because really, what were the chances? Seven years of waiting just to have to put up with her mess? She was good at an enormous variety of things, but she was not good at this – she could flirt and laugh and feel good with the best of them, but she hadn't been able to trust herself to succumb to this out-of-control serious commitment he wanted from her. No. She was cranky and stressed and she didn't know how to do it.

She stared at the waiting door over the shoulder of one of her Secret Service agents, and felt the last of her spirits slip from her like dropped marbles scattering across the floor.

No, she was not good at this, not at _all_ , and Danny should pick up and deal with it, because he deserved better and she wasn't going to give it. C.J. closed her eyes.

She was being an idiot.

C.J. took a deep, shaking breath, and knocked.

* * *

The disappointed, hurt look on Danny's face when he opened the door was enough to make her want to curl up into a ball.

She had to face this, because if there was even a chance of making this work, she had to jump on it.

She met Danny's eyes, her expression tentative and vulnerable and resigned.

She had _no idea_ how to fix this.

All she could do was try.

* * *

“What else?”

C.J. stared at him, without a clue as to how she was supposed to start weeding through the few thousands of things she wanted to say to him. A seed of hope had sprung up inside her, and there was a smile coating the look of determination in Danny's eyes.

She could feel her mind darting – as it always seemed to do, whenever she was near him, and he was looking at her like that – trying to find something tangible she knew how to deal with. Her heart felt like it was going to break through her chest. “The typo's a comma. Or maybe a smudge. It changes the meaning,” she said in a weak bid for time to gather her thoughts.

“C.J.” Danny was patient, but he was tired, and he was scared, even if she knew he was trying to be brave for her.

She bit her lip, grimacing slightly. “Okay. Sorry.” He gazed at her curiously, studying her.

C.J. closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her body a sea of emotions. This was it. Soul-baring time. Future-deciding time. She opened her eyes, bracing herself as she launched in.

“I'm not very good at this. We established that. And I didn't -” she exhaled, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I didn't really, truly, let myself prepare for it - or anything beyond telling you 'I'm not good at this' - because I didn't want to think you were going to _want_ me to keep going – and then if you _didn't -_ ” C.J. stopped, a pleading look on her face. “...I didn't prepare for this.”

Danny continued to gaze at her steadily, his expression wistful. “You'll find I'm a pretty patient guy,” he quipped. C.J. allowed him a small smile, wiping hastily at a stray tear.

“Yeah.” She said quietly. She took another deep breath, this one helping to steady her a little.

“It's just...I know this is a time for – 'heroic postures,'” C.J. quoted. “But I've never done this before, and I don't even know where to start, and **you** have this _habit_ of knocking me off my feet, as it is, so that's not really helping things. And so, yes, I'm going to babble like an idiot here, because that's something I have a lot of experience with, and I could use a little bit of comfort zone to get me through the next few minutes. So – _God_.” She wiped a tear from her cheek, and Danny instinctively took another step towards her, but she raised a hand to stop him. “I need a minute,” she said urgently. “Just a moment, of - comfortable familiarity with the awkwardness that is my brain, before I jump into the deep end and say what I want to say.” Danny sighed, but he was smiling. It steadied her.

“ _C.J._ ,” he said calmly. His voice was reassuring and gentle, and it made her knees tremble. “Just listen for a sec, okay? Yeah, there's a lot I want to talk about-”

“I do too,” she assured him. He smiled, continuing. “But I'm not looking to whip up a five-year plan on the future of our relationship in the next five minutes. You can _breathe_ ,” he said sweetly, brushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

“Right. Yeah, okay,” C.J. said softly, taking another deep breath and smiling at him. She _could_ do this. He'd waited for her. She could give something back. She had a lot of love to give, even if she didn't quite know how to give it.

He smiled back, his voice a soft rasp. “We're gonna work it all out, and I'm not worried,” he continued. “You don't have to put all your cards out on the table in one swoop. It's okay to start small. I just want-” he grimaced slightly, looking pained. “I just want you to _talk_ to me. I want to know what's going on in that head of yours. I have to _know_ that this isn't one-sided here - that this _means something_ to you, because it means a hell of a lot to me.” His voice was quiet, and she stared at him, tearful again.

“Just talk to me. We'll build from there.” Danny reached forward again, this time taking her hand, and C.J. found she'd gotten some of her footing back. “We're gonna be okay. Just breathe.”

C.J. sighed, then inhaled deeply as he brought her into a light hug. She sunk her weight against him, taking in his familiar scent and the warmth of his torso as she cuddled into him. It made her feel vaguely, pleasantly sleepy, in a way that had nothing to do with her four and a half hours of sleep the night before.

“Here, why don't we sit down?” She suggested a moment later, looking around, and she was relieved to feel her heartbeat settling back to normal a little. “If we're going to have some big heart-to-heart, we should probably be-”

“Sure,” Danny cut her off gently, nodding, and he led her over to his couch. The couple sat down gingerly, facing each other with their knees touching. Danny leaned forward, grasping her other hand, and she felt a painful throb in her chest at the memory of the look he'd had on his face that afternoon. It'd been her fault. She'd almost fucked up everything, and the ball was in her court to fix it. Danny was being patient with her, but this was her time to show him she could do this thing for real, if she could just get it together. She stared into his light blue eyes, and felt a fleeting moment of appreciation on behalf of her shaking knees that they were sitting down.

“So what's in that gorgeous head of yours, C.J.?” Danny rasped. She could smell a trace of scotch on his breath, but his gaze was steady.

C.J. looked at him, straight in the eye, as it all started to tumble out. “I'm crazy about you, Danny.”

Danny's face broke into what was possibly the most genuine smile she had ever seen. She pressed on as he squeezed her hand, not wanting to get distracted, as she tried to hold back the instinctive grin that had risen up in response to his broad smile.

“ _Stupid_ crazy,” C.J. pressed on, half-laughing, half-crying. “Absolutely, head-over-heels, gaga.” Danny laughed, beaming at her as she squeezed his hand in return. “But Danny, you _know_ that,” she said wistfully, as she felt herself melt at the emotion in his eyes. “You know that, because I've been in your bed more nights than not these past few months, including the nights I got three hours sleep the night before but _all_ I wanted was to look into your face before I fell asleep.” She stared at him, her voice breaking as she barreled on. “...You know it from the way I look at you, and the way I – stumble - when you're near me, and drop things-”

“Walk into doors,” he added helpfully, and she laughed louder, talking over him, “-and when you smile I smile back even when I'm _so annoyed_ with you, and you make me crazy.” She took a deep breath, wiping away a stray tear. “And I want to be with you. I do.”

Danny was grinning, his teeth shining through under his soft lips as he gazed at her. She traced his hand with her fingers, studying his little blonde hairs, a small smile still on her face.

“But here's the thing,” she continued, sighing to herself. “Sometimes I feel like I can _do_ this, and it's great. It's - wonderful, actually.” She looked back up at him. “You smile at me, and we hold hands, and I'm C.J. and I'm steady and everything's good. But then – you _look_ at me – like THAT-” C.J. snapped, “and it's so much and it's overwhelming, and my stomach clenches and I get so, so incredibly nervous, and I'm a mess. And I'm trying to get myself together, I am - because I want it all with you,” she paused. “I really do, and I think we _could_ have it all, but I have _no_ idea how to even begin getting from here to there.” She gazed at him, her voice dropping. “...And that's terrifying.”

“ _C.J._ ” He touched her face, and she closed her eyes, incredibly aware of the feeling of his knees brushing against hers. “We're gonna figure this out,” he repeated. “We don't have to resolve everything this second. Just breathe.” C.J. sighed, looking up at him from under her long lashes. “You're doing _so_ great.” He grinned at her, leaning forward to kiss her cheek, and she felt her skin flush. He pulled back, looking at her seriously. “Literally all you have to say – ALL you have to say – is that you'll let me in. Just be OPEN to the idea of being open with me.”

C.J. laughed a little. “I can do that,” she breathed. She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. Danny's scotch was looking mighty tempting right now. She could have used a little liquid courage. She could do what he was asking, though. She could do more than that.

“I know ya can.” Danny smiled.

“Danny,” she said, trying to keep her voice from breaking. He touched her face again, rubbing her cheek with his thumb. “I'm so sorry about today.”

“I know,” he said quietly, and she saw a shadow of that afternoon's pain flicker through his eyes, even as he smiled bravely at her.

“I'm _so sorry_.”

“Shh. Come here.” She leaned into his embrace, her shoulders shaking. “It's okay,” he whispered, rubbing her back. She stiffened, her eyes closed. The self-loathing was coming back, and the feeling that she didn't deserve this forgiveness. She allowed herself two deep inhales of his scent, before pulling away just enough to be able to look at him.

“No,” she said quietly, not quite meeting his eyes. “It's not okay. I hurt you. I know that I did, and I -” she swallowed, then raised her gaze a half-inch, finally meeting his as she looked at him solemnly. “I never, ever meant to hurt you, Danny.”

He gazed steadily back at her, and his answer was swift. “I know.”

She chewed her bottom lip, staring at him as she searched for the words to say. Her shoulders shook slightly as she gazed ruefully at him.

“...You asked the wrong question.”

Danny waited patiently for her to elaborate, seeing the tears build in her eyes as she struggled to hold them back. He stroked her back gently, giving her strength.

“Not at all your usual standard,” she added, smiling slightly.

C.J. looked down for a moment, before meeting his gaze again, then averted her eyes as she tried to explain.

“You asked me - if I _saw_ you in my future.” She looked at him. “Not if I _wanted_ you there.”

He gazed back at her, comprehension dawning. “Ah.”

She looked down again, her forehead pressed against his as their fingers intertwined. “I haven't been able to picture myself with any future outside of spending all my time at the White House for a long time. And...I froze.” C.J. laughed a bitter laugh, and Danny raised his other hand from her back, stroking her hair. “It was stupid, and pathetic, and it was my fault, and I'm sorry.” She looked back at him. “But please don't think it meant I don't care for you.” It was her turn to touch his face now; Danny felt a jolt run through him. “You have no idea how much I care. I want you there, I want that future, I just – I need you to hang out, and - hold my hand, or whatever - while I figure out how to make it happen.”

There was a moment of silence, as the tension between them eased out.

She was staring at him with such intensity. Before he had time to think, he was leaning in, and when their lips touched something inside him broke. Her kisses were urgent and he felt himself responding, leaning her back onto the couch as she pulled him down to meet her.

Her hands were traveling up his back, and he let out a low groan. She ran one of her hands through his curly hair, using her lips to nip gently at his tongue. Suddenly her coat was on the floor, and he was pushing her deeper into the couch, both of them desperate and hurt and scared as their lips battled for closeness.

He wanted to tell her, _now_ , but he was scared of overwhelming her, of pushing her away. He settled for letting his eyes probe hers, and as she gazed back at him something inside him told him she knew anyway.

* * *

Half an hour later C.J. lay sprawled against Danny's naked chest, her face buried in his neck. Her breathing was calm and settled, her heartbeat still slightly elevated. Her hand was tangled in his curls, their bodies rising and falling gently in tandem as they breathed. She felt wonderfully at peace.

The quiet was broken a moment later, as Danny's murmur drifted through the room.

“You're beautiful, C.J.”

C.J. smiled, her eyes still closed, and kissed his neck. They fell back into a comfortable silence, Danny running his hand over her hair with one hand, and stroking her back with the other. Finally C.J. pulled gently away.

“We should talk more about what's gonna happen,” she murmured, shifting her face to look at him.

He smiled slightly, taking a deep breath. “We should. I had a thought on that.”

“Oh yeah?” C.J. yawned.

He hesitated, nodding. “Yeah, sorta.” He studied her. “And cut me off if you think I'm off track here,” Danny paused, surveying her.

“Uh huh?”

“Well - you've got some time,” he said diplomatically, watching her intently for any sign of a reaction. “You don't have to jump into Franklin Hollis's project the moment you take your last step out of the White House.” He traced a finger along her face, gazing at her.

“No, that's true,” she agreed.

He smiled nervously, somewhat bolstered. “So - I say you stick around – take some time off.” Their eyes met. “Try to take it easy. Consult with Santos's team when you have to, I'm sure they'll need you - probably more frequently and for longer then I'd like - but that's what I signed up for. But for the most part, we use that time to just-” he sighed, looking wistful. “Work on getting to be with each other. No pressure. But I'll take you on dates – make dinner for you – just...work on catching up on eight years' worth of wanting to dote on you. And you _let me_.” Danny took a deep breath. “Whadya think?”

“Hmm,” C.J. said noncommittally, stroking his chest as she tried to hide her smile.

He studied her. “You don't like it?”

“The thing is – I'm not sure that exact plan is going to work for me,” C.J. said quietly, looking up at him from under her long lashes.

“Why? What are you thinking?”

“Well, here's the thing,” C.J. said, and the nervousness in her voice faltered as she gained confidence. He shivered, as she continued to caress his chest. “I have a feeling that if I turn down Santos, but stay in D.C. for so much as a _day_ longer than I need to, I'm going to find myself sitting in the Oval Office on a consultation January 21st whether I want to or not. Before we know it they'll be daily, and I'll end up working there unofficially, conned into some deep involvement in ongoing situations that will take months to resolve themselves.”

Danny bit his lip, the truth of her words hitting him. He started stroking her hair, his expression betraying his concern. He wanted so much to do this thing for real.

“You got any ideas?”

C.J. stroked his chest absentmindedly, not meeting his gaze. “One. It's kinda bold though, especially on your end.”

“I can do bold,” Danny said, sounding hopeful as he smiled at her.

“'Kinda' was kind of an understatement.”

He took her hand, intrigued. “C.J., nothing is too bold. Dignity isn't my forte, remember?”

C.J. met his eyes, looking pensive. “Did you mean what you said? Months ago, at that date at the restaurant - about not being sure about what you wanted to do with your life?”

Danny watched her, curious. “Yeah.” He smiled slightly. “Although I think I've got some idea, on the personal end at least.”

C.J. smiled as Danny kissed her forehead, wrapping his arm around her more securely. She looked at him shrewdly.

“How do you feel about L.A.?”

There was a half-second's pause as this question sunk in, then Danny grinned widely at her, squeezing her slightly. “You asking me to move to L.A. with you?”

She looked at him soberly, taking in his smile. Her voice was soft and serious. “Do you want to?”

“Yeah,” Danny breathed, smiling. C.J. grinned, their foreheads touching again.

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” Danny repeated, grinning, then laughed. C.J. bit her lip again, smiling, as he pulled her down for several quick kisses, punctuated by their laughs. She tussled his hair, smiling down at him as he gazed up at her.

“Although getting set up in L.A. in under two weeks is going to be a challenge, even for me,” Danny pointed out, after a minute. He didn't seem all that worried though, and he was still smiling as he leaned in for another kiss.

“Sam has an empty condo,” she murmured, as he started to nuzzle her neck. “He was talking about wanting to lease it out. I'm sure I can get him to let us stay there for awhile, give us time to settle in.”

Danny's hands started wandering as the implication of what she was saying started to sink in, his lips traveling down her neck.

CJ took a deep breath, grinning broadly and laughing again, almost giddy. She was getting it. Everything she wanted. He was going to put up with her – he'd committed himself, he was _stuck_ with her. And she owed him more than what he'd been getting. It hadn't been her fault, at least not entirely, but she could have done better, and as she laid there looking into his face, the memory of his stricken face that afternoon resurfaced again, and C.J. Cregg made her decision for good.

Danny watched her, a little smile growing across his features as her words continued to click in his brain.

She was already sorting out the details in her head. “I could hire some movers for us, they could take care of the packing while I finish up these next couple weeks. That is, if you don't mind sitting up by the fire for a little while longer, waiting for my-” she smirked at him. “Booty calls, as you so charmingly put it this morning.” He leaned in, kissing her seductively. “You could go a little early, get things set up,” she continued, in between kisses. “If you wanted to, I mean – I know you've got a job too-” she started to sound nervous again, and Danny cut her off, his hands on her face as he swept her into a kiss, deep and passionate and leaving her with butterflies flapping away inside her stomach.

C.J. smiled at him when they finally pulled away, giggling a little in her excitement. “Does that mean you wanna run away together?” she joked happily.

Danny grinned, wrapping his arms around her. “I really, really do.”

  
  


 

 


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